How to Not Name Your Child
by JordieS
Summary: Ever wonder how James and Lily gave Harry his name. To put it simply...not well. EDITED*


**I've always thought about the naming process that James and Lily went through with Harry. And this is how it goes in my head. Btw, this is inspired by the BBC sitcom 'Pramface'..**

...

"Shut up, James! For God's sake!" The young red-haired witch exclaimed, rubbing her six month bump with affection.

"No! Absolutely not!" James squeaked in retort. His voice breaking at the notion his wife was proposing.

"Yes! Absolutely yes! Why would we give our son a boring name? Lily retorted. "The Wizarding World is full of unusual names, he should have one too!"

James, knowing he wasn't getting anywhere, got on his knees in front of a reclined Lily and changed his tone into a gentler one, one filled with plead and submission. "Please. I just want to name our son as we would if we were muggles. I want to honour your upbringing." He added with a winning grin.

"James." Lily's voice growled, losing her temper. "He's going to be raised in this world, why would we give him a muggle name?"

"So he doesn't get the piss taken out of him?"

"How about Harland?" She asked, interrupting him with an innocent grin that could charm the socks off a giant.

"Have you even been listening to me?" James huffed.

"Oh no, not Harland, what was I thinking. What about Beau?" Lily responded, eyebrows raised nonchalantly. James nearly let out a sob. He couldn't let his little boy go into Hogwarts with a name like 'Beau'. The poor kid would think his parents hated him. He whined, begging for Lily to stop.

"Oh! No! I've got it! Paxton!"

James vocally squeaked at his wife's new words.

"Paxton Potter." She added, testing the name out.

"Lily!"

"What?" She asked, completely unfazed and somewhat amused by her husband's distress.

"Can we please not have weird names?" He pleaded, giving his wife a beseeching stare. Lily sighed in defeat. He really was a persuasive bastard.

"Okay, James. I'll make you a deal." At her words the hazel-eyed man straightened, ready to complete any task given to him. "If you suggest a name that I like, then that's the name we go for."

"Okay! Great!" James laughed in delight. This was going to be easy!

...

 **7 months!**

"Okay, I have a list." James exclaimed to his wife, who was balancing a mixing bowl of cake batter on her belly.

"Great, let's see then!" She held out her hand, signalling for James to hand her the small parchment piece. She put the bowl on the worktop and took the paper, skimming through the names as her husband started eating the contents of the bowl.

 _Aaron_

 _Alfie_

 _Andrew_

 _Ben_

 _Christopher_

 _Daniel_

 _Ethan_

 _Finley_

 _Nathan_

 _Samuel_

"No." Lily said simply, flinging the parchment onto the table and plucking the mixing bowl from her husband's hands.

"What?" He asked, his face the epitome of confusion.

"These are all too generic."

"What!?" His voice took up the high pitched shriek that only Lily was allowed to hear.

"Pick some different ones." She told him, picking up the whisk to return to her baking.

...

 **8 months!**

"Okay..gimme it." Lily said, filling her mouth with the custard she had been craving.

She held out her hand for the parchment that were soon slid into her grip by James.

"These are too unusual."

"WHAT?!"

...

 **1.5 months later.**

The shrieking of a newborn filled the kitchen as Lily and James tried to soothe the baby.

"What does the book say?" Lily asked her husband as she bounced the screaming child with sweat on her forehead and bags under her eyes.

"Errrmmm..." James' eyes flickered across the pages, the guide in one hand while his other tried to mop up the mess on the worktop. "Okay, either he needs changing or he's had too much sleep?"

"No." Lily's voice was strained, as she cringed at the cries. "No one's been sleeping."

"Well then he needs changing."

"You can do it then." Lily exclaimed, having had endured diaper duty the night before.

James immediately came to a stop in front of his son, who was now writhing on the little mat.

"Hey, have you got a nasty surprise for dada? Hey, have you little...thingy.." his voice trailed off. "Lily, we can't just keep calling him thingy. We need a name."

"I know." She drawled, taking a sip of her much needed coffee. "But I'm too tired to talk about it again."

...

Lily was sat at the head of the table, opposite James who sat at the other side. Alice had proposed the idea of going out for dinner, to celebrate the arrival of little Neville and the Potter's son. Sat in the seats between the couple were Alice, Frank, Sirius, Remus and Peter.

The only sounds that could be heard were the mutterings from other tables and the clutter of cutlery against plates.

Alice, with a determination to break the ice, politely asked, "Have you two decided on a name yet?" Referring to the tyke currently staying with his grandparents.

"Oh..no..." James stated, rather sheepishly.

"Actually, I've decided on Zeke." Lily uttered, cutting off her husband's words.

James, taken back, gave her a look of pure astonishment. "We never decided on Zeke." He said, drawing out the words.

"We never decided on anything." She replied, adding a mocking tone to her voice.

"I hate the name Zeke." James said, flatly.

"Tough." Lily stated, before taking a small sip of the wine sitting in front of her. She smirked, challenging him to rise to the bait.

"Fine. Then I'm gunna call him..". His voice trailed off. He glanced around the room hoping a suitable name would jump right out at him. The name tag of a passing by waiter caught his eye, offering the very salvation needed at this moment. "..Gerald!"

Lily almost jumped out of her seat in terror. She leaned forward, her eyes drilling into James'. "That is a horrible name!" She exclaimed in a harsh and horrified whisper.

"I happen to love the name Gerald." He imitated Lily's earlier actions by taking a confident, mischievous swig of his drink, raising his eyebrows at her challengingly.

"That's rubbish!" Her voice hit a new octave. "You just saw it on that waiter's name badge!"

"Not true!" He had both his hands on the table in front of him, leaning forward just as Lily was at the opposite side. "I've always loved the name Gerald. Haven't I, Padfoot?"

Sirius, who had been watching the exchange with a smirk, shot a look at Prongs, conveying his unwillingness to be dragged into such a spat. "No." There was a hint of a smile in his voice. "Don't drag me into this. You're on your own, mate."

Lily ignored Sirius. "His name is Zeke!"

"Gerald!"

"Zeke!"

"Gerald!"

The waiter approached the table.

"Did you want something?" He asked James.

"No thanks, Gerald." Finally tearing his eyes from Lily's to address the member of staff.

"Urgh!" Lily said, gathering her things and aggressively shrugging her jacket on. "You're insufferable!"

"Aren't we both." James stated, rather blankly and looking down into his glass.

Lily stormed off, strutting out the door and passed the window, not bothering to spare a glance at anyone at the table.

"Wow." Sirius said, smirking into the glass he was holding against his lips. "Real smooth, aren't you, Romeo?"

...

 **5 DAYS LATER. (The Christening)**

Lily had spent the morning making last minute preparations for the ceremony, making sure the banners for the after party were in the bag. Meanwhile, James' voice trailed from upstairs.

"MIKE?" He got no answer.

"TROY?" Silence.

"RYLAN?"

Lily's eyes rolled. "NO, NO AND NO! THOSE ARE NAMES YOU GIVE TO STRIPPERS JAMES, NOT CHILDREN!"

...

After he was ready, James made his way to the Church earlier than needed, making preparations until the guests arrived. The decorations were up, the priest was ready and the guests had arrived. All that was missing was his son and wife.

"James!" A harsh voice came from the front row. It was Lily's father. He approached the man. "Where the bloody hell's Lily?"

"I think she might still be at home." He replied, sheepishly.

"We'll go get her then, you daft sod!" His tone rather exasperated.

James just about ran out of the church and apparated to his home in Godric's Hollow. He approached the dark, wooden door when it opened and revealed Lily, appearing to be very stressed and cradling a baby on her chest.

"I'm not going."

"We have to. Everyone's there." James uttered as he walked towards the young woman.

"I don't even like half the people there." Lily complained.

"Neither do I." His voice calm and riddled with fatigue. "But they want to see him."

"We still don't have to go. Let's just stay in and lock the doors." She patted the baby's back gently, trying to keep him happy despite the tense hopelessness she was emitting.

"Lily, we have to go." He said, apologetically.

"But, why?" She whined.

"Because.." He trailed off, struggling to find the right words. "They're going to think we were insane for having him. There's a war going on, Lily. We're only twenty. Everyone out there is expecting us to crash and burn. I just want to go up there, and show them how much he means to us. Don't you want that?"

"Of course I want that!" She exclaimed. Her body inching slightly towards the daylight.

"Right then. We're going to stand up there and say, here's our little...thingy." His eyes widened. "Oh god! We still need a name!"

"Why is is so hard?" She exclaimed, exasperated.

"Okay." James stated, swallowing his nerves. "I've had a thought."

Lily nodded encouragingly, shifting the baby when he wriggled.

"Harry.."

"That's.." She stopped. Just as her husband was about to groan. "I don't hate that."

"Really?" A grin tugging at his lips.

"I actually really like Harry!"

Neither could believe it. James kissed her, it was short but sweet. Fleeting but needed. James ducked his head and placed a peck on Harry's head.

"Great! So Harry?" A laugh escaped along with his words.

"I guess so!" Lily laughed along with him, feeling suddenly extremely light.

James furrowed his eyebrows, his smile dropping.

"Now how about his middle name?"

"URGH!"

 **AN. Hope you enjoyed that. This was my first ever fanfic, so hopefully it was okay. Be sure to leave a comment. I'd love some Feedback.**

 **-JordieS X**


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